Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
