Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
