I'm going to jail i love you
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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