I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
