I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
