I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
