Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
