I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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