someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
