i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
