some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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