I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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