Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
