Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
