A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I forget how to act sober
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
