I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
