Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
