Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this just has baby written all over it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
