I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
