the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
