The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Randomize
