I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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