just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
