not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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