i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
True strength comes from lack of pants
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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