she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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