They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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