It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
