I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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