he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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