Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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