I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
