Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
