Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
