Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
