he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He had one of those small greek statue penises
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
