8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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