You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
