Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
