i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
