its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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