I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
