nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
