Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I looked at my own cervix.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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