Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
