nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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