ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm like, not good at living.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
