see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
