At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
