med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
