The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
