dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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