nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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