He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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